Don't Call an Audible

Who else gets thoroughly annoyed and, frankly, disgusted listening to professional athletes’ post-game interviews when they can’t even speak clearly or correctly? These are allegedly college graduates who had to have taken a few English classes and likely a public speaking course to graduate. Now, I’m not expecting perfect enunciation and pronunciation, but I do expect to be able to understand what the athlete is saying.

I’m going to focus on the NFL because I hate basketball and rarely have issues like this with MLB and NHL. In fact, the NHL has the best commentators and speaking athletes around. Even with those cute Canadian accents, eh?

Back to football. Perhaps if these individuals majored in, oh, anything other than communications (what a huge twist of irony, don’tcha think?!), then, perhaps, we might understand them without closed captioning or a translator. In my opinion, Shannon Sharpe should be the poster child for “What the fuck did he say!?”

Now this isn’t to say that all NFL players are stup, er, communications majors who sound like they have a mouthful of marshmallows. (Oh, speaking of marshmallows, when my kids were little, I would keep a bag of large marshmallows by the phone so when they interrupted me, which was often, I would stuff a marshmallow into their mouths and be able to finish my phone call. But I digress.)

In fact, many current and former NFL players are well spoken and highly educated. Here’s a small sampling in list form because I like lists:

  1. Ryan Fitzpatrick graduated from Harvard with a degree in economics.
  2. Drew Brees earned his degree in industrial management from Purdue and was named Sports Illustrated’s 2010 2nd smartest NFL player (behind Ryan Fitzpatrick).
  3. Andrew Luck graduated from Stanford with a degree in architectural design.
  4. Richard Sherman (yeah, I was surprised too) attended Stanford on an academic scholarship after graduating high school with a 4.2 GPA and #2 in his entire class.
  5. Benjamin Watson attended both Duke and Georgia, majored in finance, and is a twice-published author.
  6. Jacob Tamme graduated from Kentucky with a 3.82 GPA and earned a master’s degree in business administration.
  7. Alex Smith graduated from Utah in only two years with a degree in economics. He also attended graduate school.
  8. Steve Young graduated from BYU’s J. Reuben Clark Law School with a J.D..
  9. Cris Collinsworth also earned a J.D. from the University of Cincinnati Law School.
  10. Carson Wentz attended North Dakota State where he carried a 4.0 GPA.

On a side note, athletes who have retired and who are color commentators during live games should be forced to go through the concussion protocol before being hired (ahem Troy Aikman, anyone?) Just like the actual announcer, these commentator sidekicks should be interesting. There’s nothing worse than being forced to watch a game with boring commentary (ahem, yawn, Dan Fouts, anyone?) I was surprised at how eloquent and interesting Tony Romo is as an announcer because I didn’t care for him as a player.

The same should be said for sideline reporters. Now, as female, I appreciate the increase in female commentators and interviewers in professional sports but not if they’re just there to be the “token” female. I am thoroughly sick and tired of stupid questions like, “Hey coach, what do your players need to do during the break?” Um, play better, you moron?! “

Anyway, folks, there’s my $.02. For now.

Bite Your Tongue

I hate being called “ma’am.” Yes, I know “hate” is a strong word and leaves a bad taste in some people’s mouths. So, I ask these folks, what would you prefer? Abhor? Detest? Loathe? Despise? Insert your preferred word, but I’m going to stick with “hate.” Because I do.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I understand that those who utter it (as well as “sir”) do so out of respect, and kudos to their parents for instilling within their children manners and respect because, Lord knows, there is a huge shortage of manners in today’s world (a topic best left for another rant.)

Anyway, back to “ma’am.”

What would I rather be called? Oh, how about ANYTHING else: “miss” or “mizz”, perhaps? “Madam”, maybe (even though I don’t own a brothel.) Even “sir”, “bro”, or “dude” is preferable to “ma’am”. As someone who is deep in the throes of a midlife crisis that has been ongoing for, oh, 13 years, anything that makes me uber cognizant of the fact that I am, despite my utter contempt for the word, middle-aged needn’t be said. Ever.

I’m doing a fantastic job of fighting this whole aging thing. Seriously, I am. Not only do I not look my age, I neither feel nor act it, thanks to a (mostly) healthy diet, regular exercise, no smoking, no drinking, no drugs, outstanding skin care, and good genes. I oftentimes pass for late 30’s-early 40’s, and this removes a bit of the sting from being called “ma’am” and my ever-increasing age.

Oh, by the way, I’m looking for a fake ID that makes me 34 again, so if anyone knows anyone in the “creative printing” business, please let me know.

Under the Big Top

Well, I was going to put off sharing my irritation with the political world, but I figured now was the time. I realize I’m going to alienate half-ish of my audience, but we do live in the United States and have freedom of speech thanks to our wonderful Constitution and Bill of Rights. And yes, while freedom of speech is not unlimited as the US Supreme Court issued certain exceptions, my blogging about my views, opinions, and irritations is wholly protected.

If you don’t like what I have to say, then don’t read it.

Moving on, I am a conservative who voted for, and will again vote for, Donald Trump. Unlike the majority of presidents in recent years (decades?), he actually cares for the US and her citizens. He does what he says he’s going to do (wow, what a concept?!). He actually gets results (stock market, Jerusalem, lowest unemployment rates in YEARS, impressive GDP, etc.). He’s getting our wall built to ensure that illegals, criminals, drugs, and human traffickers cannot simply enter our country willy-nilly. Kudos, sir. Keep up the good work.

The fact that he is a businessman and not a career politician who became a millionaire whilst in office (a la Clinton, Obama, Pelosi, Schumer, Kerry, Lynch, Comey, Waters, Brennan, McCain, Feinstein, Schiff, Clapper, Biden, etc. etc. etc. doing what, pray tell?) was and continues to be, perhaps, his biggest selling point and the reason why his support continues to increase. Yes, increase. Don’t believe the liberal propaganda on CNN, MSNBC, CNBC, etc.

That said, the relentless witch hunt by the left has not only wasted and continues to waste considerable time, money, and other resources, but is also wholly unfounded and based upon proven lies. The author of the infamous “pee dossier” admitted under oath in front of Congress that it was based on lies. After THREE-AND-A-HALF YEARS, there is still no evidence of Russian collusion between Trump and Putin.

And now the impeachment sham. Yes, sham. There is zero evidence of any impeachable offenses committed by our current president. Too bad the same can’t be said for the predecessor who, hopefully, will end up in prison along with Clinton and the rest of their treasonous minions. These asinine traitors want to negate the will of the people and overturn a perfectly legitimate election. When the Mueller investigation wasted millions of dollars and did nothing, the impeachment talk began. First, they talked about impeaching Trump for obstruction of justice and collusion. Now it’s, what, obstruction of Congress and bribery? Seriously.

Trump didn’t provide political favors and tons of money to get his unqualified loser son a job with a Ukranian power company. Trump didn’t sell Putin 1/4 of US uranium. Trump didn’t send a palette full of cash to Iran. Trump didn’t say, “If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor” before making health insurance completely unaffordable. Trump didn’t let Americans die in Benghazi. Trump didn’t delete 30,000 emails after being subpoenaed. Trump didn’t have people killed who had evidence against him. I could go on, but I’m just going to irritate myself even more.

And you know what? The American people (those with a brain who can see through the lamestream, er mainstream media’s anti-American spin) are sick of it. Let the democrats continue with their three-ring circus as their snowflake lemmings prepare to be disappointed yet again come November. I am certainly entertained watching them self-destruct. And I’m not the only one.

That reminds me. I need to get more popcorn.

Say What?

Most of us text. With the plethora of smart phones and quasi-affordable talk and text (and data) plans, really, the only people who don’t text are folks like my stepdad who still has a flip phone and long-time Sprint customers because Sprint could give a shit about long-time loyal customers.

Anyway, many of us voice text. I do it when I’m driving, I mean stopped at a red light, or when I’m writing or cleaning or otherwise using my hands. The problem with voice texting is that it doesn’t understand English. Seriously, some of the shit that my phone thinks it hears is ridiculous.

For example, I say, “Oh, the moon is pretty tonight.” But it comes out as, “Show the men’s pretty alright.” Huh?! Or how about the time I said, “I could stay up really late and then be in bed when you get home,” yet the message is bastardized into “I could stay up Billy Kate and then being dead when you get home.” A recent favorite of mine was, “I need to get both of my knees x-rayed” which became “I need to get both of my fees x-rated.” Good one, phone. Thanks.

Another issue with voice texting is that you have to be careful that there’s nobody else speaking that the phone may inadvertently pick up. A couple of months ago I was voice texting a supervisor at work while talking to my boyfriend and ended up ending my text with “I love you.” Of course, I was mortified and had to immediately follow that message up with one explaining that it wasn’t meant for him. Even worse, I was voice texting my boss and my phone picked up (from the television) “There’s no fucking way.” Good grief. That was another OMG I’m getting fired moment. Thankfully, my boss is a cool guy and chuckled at my panicked explanation. Needless to say, I don’t voice text anyone at work anymore.

I do realize that a lot of problems could be avoided if one proofreads the message before hitting send (and ensures that it’s going to the right person), but that just makes too much sense and is too difficult to do whilst driving, er, I mean stopped at a red light.

Do you have any embarrassing and egregious text mishaps? I’d love to read them.

Let Them Eat Meat

So, I used to be a vegetarian. I started just to see if I could, and I could, so yay me. However, I really missed fish and chicken wings, so now I am a pesca-fowl-atarian (no, it’s not a word, I just made it up. Work with me, people.)

Anyway, one thing I noticed (and how could I not) was that aside from fruits, vegetables, tofu, and beans, vegetarian food is ridiculously expensive. Granted, there are many Morningstar Farms and other brands of vegetarian “meat” products such as veggie burgers, bean burgers, couscous burgers, quinoa and brown rice burgers, chickenless chicken patties, meatless meatballs (wouldn’t that just be “balls”?), fishless fish sticks, and ground meat “crumbles” to name a few. It’s not bad, in fact, many of these products are quite good. The problem is the price.

Take, for example, ground beef. The really fatty 60%/40% artery-clogging shit that Walmart shoppers tend to purchase in 20-pound logs can be had for, oh, $0.99/pound. The leaner blends like 80%/20% or 90%/10% can go for as much as $2-$3/pound. Even ground turkey is only about $4/pound. Morningstar Farms “meat crumbles” are $5.99 for a 12-ounce bag. If you’re lucky, you might be able to find it for $5.79. Does this sound fair? No, of course not. Essentially, vegetarians/vegans are being punished for eating healthily.

In a similar vein, I am also lactose intolerant. So not only did I have to spend an exorbitant amount on meat substitutes, I also had (and continue to have) to spend a ridiculous amount of money on non-dairy dairy products.

Milk varietals aren’t too terribly expensive. With the numerous brands of almond, cashew, coconut, soy, oat, goat, and yak milk, one can usually get a decent price. So, whereas a gallon of regular milk is about $3, I can typically find my no-sugar-added vanilla almond milk for about $2.79 for a half gallon. Oat milk is more expensive, but it’s so good (provided you don’t mind drinking chunky gray “milk” or watching your Cheerios floating around in what resembles sewage.) You can even make your own oat milk if you so desire. But I digress.

Cheese and ice cream are where the pocketbook begins to hurt. Vegan cheese is easily 3-4 times the price of regular cheese. The same goes for vegetarian/vegan pizza. You can get 12 Tony’s 10-inch meat lovers supreme pizzas for $2 but one 9-inch Daiya vegan veggie pizza is $8.99. What the hell?!

And ice cream?! Decent non-dairy ice cream that doesn’t taste like the layer of irremovable ice in my freezer is about $6 per pint. PINT. “Normal” ice cream is, what, two gallons for $4 when they’re on sale. When my ice cream is on sale, I only have to pay $5 per pint. Yay me.

So how about it, manufacturers? How about making some of this stuff a bit more affordable? In my dreams, right?

Jingle This

I already don’t like this time of year. For one, it’s far too commercial, and it seems as though every year we are inundated with holiday decor and advertisements that inform the brainwashed masses who think they must buy their spouse a Lexus and their kids the latest and greatest popular toy (that will, undoubtedly, break after a week) earlier and earlier. This year, I saw a bunch of holiday, crap, er stuff out before Halloween. Call me crazy (everyone else does), but that’s far too early. It’s almost akin to seeing Valentine’s Day (yet another high-dollar “holiday”) stuff at Christmastime.

Anyway, in addition to the obnoxious advertisements (that entice people to spend exorbitant amounts of money purchasing gifts for ungrateful family members and lukewarm friends who they only see, oh, twice per year and who aren’t going to like whatever they get anyway), the epileptic seizure inducing holiday lights, the annoying and overplayed music, and the overcrowded stores, I am also not a fan of holiday smells.

Smells, you may ask, what smells? Now, I’m not talking smells like unbathed rednecks swarming the crowded aisles at Walmart who reek of cigarettes, cheap beer, and pork rinds. I’m referring specifically to the nauseating smell of cinnamon. Cinnamon everything: candles, air fresheners, ornaments, the whole shebang. I absolutely despise the smell of cinnamon. I’m okay with freshly baked desserts such as cinnamon rolls. It’s the disgusting, artificial, vomit-inducing stench of the fake shit that seems to permeate the atmosphere with a blanket of fetid foulness covering the Earth and offending my olfactory system.

Now, in addition to the aforementioned holiday annoyances, perhaps the most offensive are those annoying-as-fuck Salvation Army bell ringers who swarm the entrances to every possible place I need to go (grocery store, anyone) with their irritating and relentless clamor. Case in point, I was at Walmart yesterday (big mistake, big, HUGE) buying a toilet seat, Swiffer dusters, Kleenex, melatonin, and oatmeal because that’s what Walmart is for. After navigating the malodorous aisles, I was a bit annoyed (okay, a lot annoyed) by the time I left the store. Not only did I feel like a salmon trying to exit the store fighting the swarms of festive folks with zero spatial awareness, there was an annoying woman ringing her bell so as to proclaim her holiday festivity for the entire state of Nevada to hear, who decided that singing Jingle Bells at the top of her lungs was an appropriate endeavor. Let me tell you, it wasn’t. After my malevolent glare failed to explode her head a la Scanners, it took everything my loving supportive boyfriend who has the patience of a saint had to keep me from shoving her Godforsaken bell down her throat. What about Silent Night, huh?

Happy Holidays everyone!