Gentle, My Ass

Given that my tag line on this site is “Shit That Irritates Me,” I figured I’d tell you about my recent experience taking a laxative for the first time. I will try to be as minimally TMI as possible, but, seriously folks, I’m talking about poop. Everyone poops. Everyone.

Anyway, thanks to what WebMD and I thought was a minor stomach bug, I was having difficulties leaving a worthwhile deposit in the little girls’ room. So much so, that I was in some serious pain: somewhere between childbirth and stepping on a Lego. In this case, what’s a girl to do? Go shopping, duh! Off to the drug store!

Since I have a rather sensitive tummy, I didn’t want any high-powered, industrial, Drano-esque assistance with my “issue.” A pink (of course) box caught my eye. Dulcolax Pink Laxative for Sensitive Stomachs that boasted “gentle overnight relief.” Perfect. What could go wrong?

Famous last words.

Needless to say, it did, in fact, work. But gentle? Not in a million years.

Within about 30 minutes it felt like my innards were desperately trying to escape the confines of my abdominal cavity as an inmate would escape a prison by using a rock hammer and plastic spork. The pain was pretty unbearable, almost to the point that I was praying over the porcelain altar for my horrible monthly menstrual cramps because they are far less painful despite my homicidal urges during that time.

Gentle, my ass. Literally.

Compounding the problem was the constant and loud inhuman groaning noises emanating from my poor belly which satiated my desire to watch a horror movie that evening.

And then there was the poop, if you could call it that. My end result (pun intended) consisted of volcanic magma of a disturbing color that burned to a crisp anything (and I do mean anything) in its destructive path.

I think I’ll just up my fiber intake from now on. Hello flax seed, broccoli, and black beans.

The end. Haha.

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