Gentle, My Ass

Given that my tag line on this site is “Shit That Irritates Me,” I figured I’d tell you about my recent experience taking a laxative for the first time. I will try to be as minimally TMI as possible, but, seriously folks, I’m talking about poop. Everyone poops. Everyone.

Anyway, thanks to what WebMD and I thought was a minor stomach bug, I was having difficulties leaving a worthwhile deposit in the little girls’ room. So much so, that I was in some serious pain: somewhere between childbirth and stepping on a Lego. In this case, what’s a girl to do? Go shopping, duh! Off to the drug store!

Since I have a rather sensitive tummy, I didn’t want any high-powered, industrial, Drano-esque assistance with my “issue.” A pink (of course) box caught my eye. Dulcolax Pink Laxative for Sensitive Stomachs that boasted “gentle overnight relief.” Perfect. What could go wrong?

Famous last words.

Needless to say, it did, in fact, work. But gentle? Not in a million years.

Within about 30 minutes it felt like my innards were desperately trying to escape the confines of my abdominal cavity as an inmate would escape a prison by using a rock hammer and plastic spork. The pain was pretty unbearable, almost to the point that I was praying over the porcelain altar for my horrible monthly menstrual cramps because they are far less painful despite my homicidal urges during that time.

Gentle, my ass. Literally.

Compounding the problem was the constant and loud inhuman groaning noises emanating from my poor belly which satiated my desire to watch a horror movie that evening.

And then there was the poop, if you could call it that. My end result (pun intended) consisted of volcanic magma of a disturbing color that burned to a crisp anything (and I do mean anything) in its destructive path.

I think I’ll just up my fiber intake from now on. Hello flax seed, broccoli, and black beans.

The end. Haha.

I’m Pooped

Whilst reading my email in the bathroom, I had an Archimedes Eureka! moment that gave me the perfect idea for a blog. Interestingly, most of my blog ideas stem from some sort of bathroom activity.

Anyway, I was changing my toilet paper roll, and while smashing the roll into the holder and subsequently (and unsuccessfully) wresting some paper from the now oblong roll, I wondered how we, as society, evolved from normal rolls of toilet paper to rolls that resemble Big Wheel tires that oftentimes don’t even fit into standard sized roll holders.

Granted, original rolls are, indeed, too small. My boyfriend refers to them as “single use” rolls because he tends to spend a lot of time in the little boys’ room. But I digress.

Then we were introduced to double rolls. Okay, that makes sense especially for those who tend to use more than their fair share of the product (cough-boyfriend-cough.)

But, wait! The paper industry powers that be rolled out (pun intended) jumbo rolls. Again, these were good because we, er most of us, didn’t have to change them as frequently, and they still fit on the roll holder.

Then, lo and behold, what’s this I see? Mega rolls which are four baby rolls packed into one. However, given the nature of human beings to always want more and bigger and better, introducing (drum roll please) jumbo mega rolls. These are approximately the equivalent of, what, ten regular rolls? All I know is that they don’t fit on my roll holders, and I’m certainly not going to invest in a decorative freestanding toilet paper rack when I have perfectly good rollers attached to the side of my cabinets. Besides, I’m a klutz, and invariably, the holder and I will be involved in some sort of collision. Repeatedly.

In fact, the last time I went toilet paper shopping, I couldn’t even find anything smaller than jumbo mega rolls. I always look for the best bargain in a cost-per-roll calculation. Did I want the nine-pack that is equivalent to 84 regular rolls or the 32-pack that was the equivalent of 812 regular rolls. I didn’t feel like doing math, so I just got the Charmin with the green label that I particularly like. And it was on sale to boot.

What’s next Procter & Gamble, Georgia-Pacific, and Kimberly Clark? Gigarolls? One enormous roll packaged like those giant five-pound Hershey Kisses or Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? (I love Reese’s by the way.)

I can’t wait.